But I know people....perhaps even live with some.....who run with that anger when they feel it. They explode, throw fits, yell. My personality doesn't deal with anger that way. I don't really want anything to do with anger. My response to it, when I feel it, is to find a positive way to channel it. And I usually do a pretty good job. I realize that I am in control of how I react to things that happen, even when those things are out of my control. I think about what I can do differently to prevent things from happening in a particular way that causes me anger.
I find silver linings in grey clouds.
So you think I'm bragging about myself, but I'm not. Because I realized something about myself today that isn't very pretty. I do let my mind go to dark places. I have very negative thoughts while I am push mowing.
It takes me about 45 minutes to push mow my lawn, but I have to do it with a PUSH MOWER and I hate it. I see people smiling and waving on riding mowers and my mind sarcastically says "Good for you!"
I feel guilty about resenting this activity because it's an outside activity, it's good for me, my legs still work, my heart pumps just fine. And I'm off from work every week day in the summer to do it! I should be grateful that I am physically able to do it and have plenty of time for it.
But I just can't help myself from feeling sorry for myself. As I'm pushing the mower with one hand, and pushing back a tree branch with the other so I can get underneath it... and then have to let go so that I can brush away the worm or caterpillar or whatever it was that fell out of the tree and landed behind my ear.... which is dripping with sweat, I let myself rant silently about everything I'm not enjoying about my life right now. And as I'm pushing that mower down into the steep ditch and pulling it back up about 20 times along the west edge of our property, trying to keep my balance and wiping my brow with my shirt sleeve after every heave up the hill, I go over all the conversations I've had with people in the past week that I felt could have gone better. What I should have said to someone, why I feel like I wasn't treated fairly in some situation, why haven't I heard from some person in a while? Why do I have so many problems? All the negativity just comes out.
I realized today that it's all angry feelings throughout the whole time I'm mowing. And then when I'm finished, I'm proud of myself. And I take a shower and I feel like I've accomplished something.
Maybe it's kind of like therapy.
Maybe it is a good thing.
And also, I realized this today, because I think I may be guilty of taking positive people for granted in my life. Maybe when you think about someone you haven't talked to in a while but you think everything is good with them because they are pretty good natured.....it's possible that they are out angrily mowing their lawn and wondering if you still care about them. It's something to think about!
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